I have been asked lately how and especially why I made it -so far- to stay friends (or at least in friendly contact) with all the x- boyfriends who counted.
why bother schlepping your past with you, you’ll ask me? Why work so hard for something that could possibly endanger a current relationship? Why take the continuous risk to open old wounds or see someone once loved actually happy with somebody else?
Mainly it is about respect and the fact that you were not anybody’s girlfriend/Boyfriend. You dated the person because you thought he/she was worth it and if it does not work out for a reason or another as a couple, then it could be really worth it to keep up a friendship and lose only the lover, not the friend. I am in touch with all the guys I loved, because I loved them. And I guess I still do, even though it is obviously in a very different way, but I still do.
And I did not want to lose them completely. For me, the saddest thing in a break-up is to be pushed to get this person out of your life, “to move on”. Sometimes you need to and moving on is always essential. I am just not fine with clearing up everybody you ever loved just because it did not work out as a couple, if this person respected you. There is more to it, and I consider myself lucky that my Xs see it this way too because reaching the point where everybody is fine with the break-up, and still seeing each other takes time, hard work. It is rarely easy, no matter who broke up, but it is worth it.
I see it as a win-win situation: you keep the complicity, the laughs, you don’t spoil good memories with anger and you have there a “new” friend who you do not need to impress, and who knows you.
My experience is that you realize if it worked out when you are able to talk about new relationships without feeling bad/guilty/or needing to brag back. Talking to the ex about the new boyfriend / girlfriend does not come easy but if you pass this point of awkwardness, you know you have made it.
You get a friendship where relationship and sex are not polluting elements. You had it, it did not work, and you are both over it. Only the friendship stays. You can honestly be happy about one another successes and happiness. That’s a great feeling. And sometimes you almost forget you were a couple, you just see this person as your friend; someone whose label was not always easy to choose but someone you know you did not want out of your life. That’s something, isn’t it?
