Boyfriend and I are doing the long distance thing again – and we are not enjoying it so much. On top of it, my life keeps getting more and more complicated. Now when I meet new people it goes like that: yes, even if my English is good, I am French. No I live in Germany. Why? Because I lived in Sweden and I met a lot of Germans there. Yes my Boyfriend is German. Oh no he does not live here, he lives in Canada. No, in the English speaking part.
So I am again further torn between so many parts of the world.
Home is where the heart is, right? Well, where is it? Boyfriend is in America, family is in France (mind you, France is not that small and my family is naturally spread over it), friends are partly in Paris, Northern Germany, England, Belgium, Munich, Austria, Italy, wherever and I am here.
Sometimes it does feel lonely: No matter where I am, I am missing a part of me anyway.
Obviously it is a choice for me to live in Germany, but not the whole thing is chosen. You do not choose to get attached to people and then leave them. Or be left by them, because they are following their orwn path.
It is just what happens no matter where you go. There is nothing to choose about that. I mean, if I did have a REAL choice, then I would make all the people I love move to Munich and then I would transport Munich in France. I KNOW – that s why i am a crazy frenchie.
Anyway, the chances of that happening being so huge and everything, I actually have to find a way to cope with feeling cut into pieces most of the time. I will always miss someone, some people, so I deal with it. Kind of.
Mainly I am fine 90% of the time. And then suddenly for a reason or another, I think of how much i would like my family to be there right now, or Boyfriend, or me to be over there, and it just makes my heart break a little inside me.
I know that is a lot of self pity for one blog, I just do not know how to fix it. So mainly when I am homesick I get bitchy and wallow one day (phase I), until it is over and then phase II kicks in which is basically compensating by making myself artificially happy– either with shoes or with chocolate. Well, that’s what girls do. Phase three is the good phase, I start planning my holidays and week-ends to visit all the people I love and miss so much. And that really makes me happy.
2 comments:
I feel the same most of the time. boyfriend in morocco, I am in Dubai without job and thinking to go to Ukraine to look for it. I would prefer to go to morocco, but do not speak french or Arabic. Family is in Russia, and friends are spread around the world. And everytime I ask myself `where shoul I go?`
It really sucks. But i guess that if you feel like going to Marocco maybe you should follow your guts :) You can always learn a language and try to get away with english in the meantime (easier said than done, I know!). And at least Marocco is sunny ;)
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